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...life is but a dream...

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2/16/05 11:36 pm - blank

just got done playing cards with maktt and kevin. it was good good. i keep wondering where i am going to be by the end of the year. i am scared. but, i am going to athens on sunday with dysinger, so that should be good. hopefully, it will bring things a little more into focus.

watch what you do, because what you do will end up trying to do you!
you know?

so, i wonder if anyone can help me get this magazine off the ground. i am having problems. i can envision so many things, i just dont know how to do it.

it was good to see manda's parents and the rest of the fam. i am really honored to be a part of the hoos family. i can;t wait to see them again.

i am enjoying hanging out with andy too.

i like my dog.

what the crap is wrong with my dad? is he really a bad guy? has he always been? have i been just vacant enough not too notice?

too many questions right now.

need to find matching answers.

that's it. no pretty words tonight.

2/10/05 10:46 pm - a sucker for pretty girls

let lust bind not these eyes
when love arrives
finally arrives
a second before i die.

a memory still intact
of the way we used to be
the sun remembers everything
as it's seen it all before
i explored your territories
and left it up to chance
i went hitchhiking through the dark
caverns, winding paths inside your head
and i came upon two conclusions
one: you must be mad
because why else would you love someone
that would treat you so bad.
two: you must be perfect
the way you always understood
that these eyes were burning for attention
and you did all you could

so i present an ode to nothing
and i hum it as i walk
an existence of constant longing
but i never know for what

you knew that i was always searching
for a way to give the world
but i guess one thing you didn't see,
is that i'm a sucker for pretty girls.
a sucker for pretty girls.
and pretty girls dig graves
for me to lay.
until the day,

i am free.

2/3/05 07:03 pm - a song to whistle with your head held high, a melody to hum towards passerbys

my eyes are like a showroom window
displaying everything inside

how many lines do you see?
how many people are really free?
the answer is in the details.
the answer lies where we failed.
how many people do you see?
can you tell which one is really me?
the answer is not all that bad.
the answer is all that i have.

BANG crack of lightning, a second changes everything.

and now,

when i think of you,
it's like crying under water
and i remember all those times
i talked about where i'd be next summer

but can we go out
for an hour or so
and let the silence
gladly devour us both

i long to taste the life behind your lips
and the spirit beneath your tongue
my eyes draw near
to see you clear
but my feet are telling me to run.

go figure.

1/16/05 01:44 pm

...and so, i have come across the most beautiful word in the english language, and it is pronounced as such...

start with an open mouth, like an expression of awe
you then produce a hum.
then close your lips, and open them once again.
(continuing the humming)
then let the hum
roll from your tongue
as you flick it from the top of your mouth
out into the wind.

...the way the eyes of saints are painted
such is she...

10/5/04 12:14 am

psychic dogs predict bush wins by 15 percent. noooooooooo!

eighteen days left!
eleven days of fazoli's left!
bought jon stewart' s book. it is f'n hilarious. it came with a funny funny poster of bush and kerry in a boxing match together.


go dream and move me.

9/26/04 10:50 pm

"There is bound to be someone driven mad by love who will give you the chance one of these days. And when you do find one, observe with care. They almost always have crystals in their heart."
from Love In the Time of Cholera

i watched Coffee and Cigarettes today. i recommend it to everybody.

i have come up with a project that i will begin working on soon. it's called "letters"
simple is good. i am going to write to all of the important people that are still in my life with no holding back, and as if they were never going to read it. i will probably send them out when i leave, or i may never send them. i am basically going to slit my heart open and let it soak into the keyboard. who knows, maybe they will be life-changing and enlightening, (and eek! publishable). i should start work on trying to submit something, somewhere.

that's it too tired
only a few weeks left...

9/25/04 12:38 am


i will say this now in case you are one of the people that does not except change, and will not watch their friends experience it. i want to get it out of the way now. i realized so many things tonight. i have always been a certain way. i have never given much thought about myself; all of my thoughts were directed toward trying to make others happy. little things, big things, any things. i have to do this. i have to quit the web i have spun. i am tired of spinning. happiness may be an inert, dead, fairytale word, but by God, i will search for it until it kills me. i have to. i am sorry for all of those that i can no longer try to help. but know this: there is something better out there for all of you. a quote from maktt:
"It is the destination that defines how you begin". (thank you manda)
i can no longer play roles in certain people's lives anymore; at least, not for now.

i am leaving
say goodbye ill be back soon
at least
ill try.

9/18/04 01:33 pm

hmmm... i woke up with the same agonizing migraine that i had last night. i think i need to lay off the alcohol for a while. i recently purchased a laptop, although i haven't quite figured out how to use it yet. i bought "love in the time of cholera" last night, and can't wait to read it. i need to stop driving drunk. i think too randomly. no worries. that's it. nothing fancy. just a humdrum day.

9/16/04 10:24 am - hurruumph

today i awaken not knowing how to paint the day red? black? white? i cannot be certain the simplest things seem difficult and unnecessary i could play guitar but even that seems trite and trivial i don't know i have to work soon find a way to be happy be happy be happy i am trying i am leaving i am flying

our art is so necessary
a one way ticket
no turning back

the residue of your shattered heart
pierces my eyes
it transforms the bluest
blue skies
crimson red.

hatred is the stillborn child of ignorance and boredom

9/15/04 10:27 pm - two packs of smokes & f(our) beers = one of those days

i used to wear you as armor
never thinking that you were the (art)illery
th(is) must be war
to retreat is un(necessary)

listen to us

we write countless pages
unheard, unread
insomnia-inspired epiphanies
but we remain a note unsaid.

today has just furthered the necessity to go. to leave. to penetrate that mystical and unnerving darkness of uncertainty that constantly looms on the surface. the unknown. everyone says follow your dreams. i say, let your dreams follow you. they will undoubtedly always be there, and they will catch up to you eventually, as long as you are on the right "path".

and so our art is necessary.
it must be for our hearts and minds to stay connected with what is important; with what is true. why not just get up and go? what is REALLY stopping you? the answer: nothing. i can't just sit here and try to make a mad dash after my dreams. the very fact that i am chasing something, not knowing where it will lead me is, well, misleading. if i just roam toward something new and fresh and possibly enlightening, my dreams will follow. i will explode with satisfaction the moment that i stop too fast in my journey, and my dreams run into the back of me, knocking me over flat onto my face. then i will look up and realize that i am there. i will remember all of the moments of frustration and isolation. i will remember the mistakes and all the times that i began to become content with life. i will remember all of the negative things that i have experienced, stare them straight in the face, and blow the biggest freaking raspberry that my two, underused lips can muster.

our art is SO necessary.
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